Chantal Landreville - Self-Awareness In Relationships

This week on Let’s Talk Love, Robin is joined by Love and Relationship Coach Chantal Landreville to explore the journey to authentic and lasting love. Chantal shares her inspiring story of being single for 18 years before stepping into her role as a coach, offering powerful insights into the importance of self-awareness and personal development in relationships. Together, they discuss the balance of feminine and masculine energies, the difference between wants and needs in a partnership, and the intention behind dating. Chantal highlights the pillars of healthy relationships—willingness, respect, acceptance, and thoughtfulness—and emphasizes the need for safety and vulnerability in love. Drawing from her book, she offers practical tools to help listeners navigate their own relationship journeys with clarity and confidence.

Takeaways:

• Applying personal development is crucial for relationship success.
• Vulnerability is essential for deep connections.
• Understanding the difference between wants and needs in relationships is key.
• Relationships require a balance of giving and receiving.
• Self-awareness helps in recognizing patterns in relationships.
• The 'why' behind our desires is often overlooked.
• We need to weed out superficial wants to find true connection.
• Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and acceptance.
• Continuous growth and openness are vital in partnerships.
• Self-awareness is crucial for understanding relationship dynamics.
• Dating should focus on being known rather than just being liked.
• Safety is a fundamental need in relationships.
• Thoughtfulness in daily interactions strengthens bonds.

We want to hear from you! Send us your anonymous questions for the Podcast as well as our weekly IG Live Ask The Experts Q&A. https://realloveready.com/submitaquestion

Links:

https://raiseyourlovesignal.com/book-landing-page/

https://raiseyourlovesignal.com/

FOLLOW CHANTAL: INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK | TIKTOK | YOUTUBE

FOLLOW RLR: INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK | TIKTOK

Watch the podcast on YouTube: youtube.com/realloveready

Credits: the Let’s Talk Love Podcast is hosted by Robin Ducharme, recorded and edited by Maia Anstey, and transcribed by Otter.ai.

Transcript

Robin Ducharme | Hello and welcome to Let's Talk. Love. I'm Robin Ducharme, your host, and I'm so happy to be welcomed by my new friend who I met in person last April at our summit in Vancouver. Chantal landreville, Chantal, thank you for joining us today. 

Chantal Landreville l So excited. You mean meeting. I was hunting you down.

Robin Ducharme | Yeah 

Chantal Landreville l You're like, you girl crush. 

Robin Ducharme | I know trust me. You're my girl crush too. We, like, we, I was just saying to you earlier, like, we, I think we are so similar in a lot of ways. Like, 

Chantal Landreville l Much

Robin l We're the same, you know, we have high energy, and we're just like, go getters as women, and we're all about love. That's for sure. We're on a mission to help people really, have really beautiful, beautiful relationships. So thank you for being with us today. Chantal, I really I've been looking forward to this all week, and it's just a joy to always be with you.

Chantal l I appreciate that, and I've been looking I've been looking forward since the day we scheduled it, so this has been like massive circle on my calendar. Today is the day.

Robin l Fantastic. So Chantal, you are a love and relationship coach with over two decades of experience in personal growth and human connection, and we both have the same mission to help people discover the path to authentic and lasting love. So tell us how you became a love and relationship coach. That's, let's start there, and then we'll go, we'll talk about your fantastic book, Raise Your Love Signal that I enjoyed reading all week, and talking to my best friend about

Chantal l Amazing I can't wait to hear those. So how do you become a love and relationship coach? In my case, it was through my own personal journey to trying to find love. I was single for just under 18 years, which is a pretty damn long time, especially when you have such a great personality, and people are telling you all the time I don't understand, you're pretty, you're successful, you're this, you're that, and it's like, what's wrong with me on my early 20's, because I was in a long term relationship from 19 to 26 I left the relationship realizing that I was just starting to discover who I am, and as I was stepping into that new person, my partner, at the time, wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't aligned anymore. So I left the relationship because I always knew that I didn't fit in the typical mole that we have been raised with and human brains and how we behave was always just something I was fascinated by. So in the background, I was a massive self development junkie, like when I mean a junkie. I consumed, I read, I attended anything, everything you could possibly imagine, to try to understand. And I used to be in the wine business. I was a salesperson for most of my life, and I naturally would have these conversations with people, because I'm a relationship builder in my industry. And being a salesperson, I noticed that if you have great listening skills and you get curious about people, they will literally vomit their lives to you so wining and dining, and as we're breaking bread, we end up always talking about love and relationships, and I would share a lot of the insights that I had learned. So I would naturally be coaching people without even realizing that I was doing it, just because I was so fascinated with human minds and how we would behave, and just always trying to understand. I was like, I need to understand why this is happening. So fast forward to my so I guess I would say when I actually met my fiance, as if not, we'll be on this podcast for three hours. And when I finally met Jeff, I realized, you know what, it's one thing to attract the right partner, but it's a whole other thing being in relationship. And I was very grateful that I earned everything I had learned and applied it. Because here's the other thing, why I wasn't changing things in my life as I was consuming self development is that I wasn't applying the work I was learning, learning, learning, consuming, consuming, consuming, but not applying the actual work. When I did start to apply that's when I saw the results, including being in my own relationship. And still today, I always say that I love to practice what I teach. So my my poor fiance and myself are always the guinea pig. I always love to, you know, observe myself and see what's going on and apply what I do.learn continuously done and apply. So when COVID happened, I went from traveling the world globally, to all of a sudden being home 24/7 and having a lot of free time. So I took an entrepreneurship course, and through that course, they were pushing us to write the book, and I knew at this point I wanted to help people learn how to maintain relationship. Because, as I said, it's one thing to attract it, but it's a whole other thing, maintaining it, hence the title of the book. And I have just created this program that I beta tested, and everything happened so quickly, and I started teaching it to practice it, and then I was like, This is it. This is this is what I meant to do. And, yeah, because I had taken my coaching Certification maybe 10 years ago, but back then, I was like, not patient enough. I'm not empathetic enough, because everybody has their own journey, and you can teach all you want, but you can't expect people to change unless they want to do so themselves. So I still needed to cultivate a few things, because authenticity is really important, and it's, more more important to apply the actual work instead of just talking about it. So I felt that that was, I was I was ready, and then I wrote the book, and everything kind of happened really quickly. And finally, I left the industry, wine industry, about it's going to be a year and a half now to fully focus on this full time, because my heart is pulled, and we need it so much, so much, so much, so much

Robin l We do. I think we really we all yearn, as human beings, to have deep connections to one another, but something you talk about in your book, and which, you know, we talk about this on the podcast all the time, we don't have the skills and two, and we can learn the skills, but we aren't raised to learn how to be really good in relationships. Some of us are like, maybe the maybe, very, very, very small percentage of us were raised with with parents, let's say that had healthy, beautiful relationships that you would learn from and be like, okay, that's how you treat another person, and that's how you maintain a really beautiful relationship. But the most, most of us don't. So this is, this is this is awesome. And so a year and a half, a year and a half ago, that's not long ago, and you took the leap, and I just think that's awesome.

Chantal l I took the leap

Robin l I'm holding up, I'm holding up your book. It's called  Raise Your Love Signal, A Guide to Attracting and Keeping the Love of Your Life. So what? Just tell us quickly, why did you name your book Raise Your Love Signal? What does that mean? Because I think I know I know what I in my mind, like I have got an idea. But what does it mean to you? Why did you name your book Raise Your Love Signal? And what does it mean to have raising your love signal?

Chantal l Well, I compared it when we were brainstorming to figure out how we call the the actual program. The heart for me was obviously the image, just the natural image, and the three bars are representing, for me, if you're and especially today, we always have our phones on us. We are always using Wi Fi internet. Is that nothing's happening if you don't have full bars. So it's really about, how can you make sure you're raising your love signal to always be in the top bar so you're performing well, you're doing well, you're accomplishing well in your love, dating and relationships. So that's simply what it is. It's just, how do I make sure that my bars are on all the time, because as soon as I lose one or two, you're falling off the ladder on certain patterns, behaviors, ways of doing things. So it's as simple as that. So Raise Your Love Signal. I figure it's catchy. 

Robin l Yes

Chantal l Every single one of us can stay or need. Need to always do a check in and make sure that our bars are full.

Robin l Yeah. So you said you were single for did you say 18 years? Chantal.  

Chantal l Yeah.

Robin l Okay. So what in you had to shift what like you did all this personal development, you started applying it, and now you're working with clients. You've got your course that you teach, and you've got your one on one clients, you've written your book, what, what is, what are the things that you did yourself, and how you're guiding clients to to make that change that you can bring in, like you met your fiance after you started applying all your learnings.

Chantal l Well, I, as I said the number one thing that I did was start to apply instead of consuming and learning, because we can learn and consume as much as we want, but if you don't actually apply it. So rewiring our brains and changing our behaviors and patterns and belief that for me, I realized at 38 years old, I mean, I was even though people were telling me, I don't understand why you're still single, I realized that I was the common denominator, and I don't like saying something was wrong with me. It's just I didn't understand why I kept attracting unemotional, available partners. And when I finally figured out why, what was the source, and this is why I important to understand where is the source coming from, because if you don't know it, you do not know what you can do. So in my case, my father died when I was two years old. For me, because parents are first love, whether your your prime time, your your main caregivers, but whether they were there or not, whether they were good or not, your parents are your first example of love. So for me, the first man that I love leaves me, abandons me, so my little subconscious mind, that little two year old girl, registered that, you know what, I'm not gonna have men come into my life and leave me. So I will make sure that I'm always controlling the outcome, hence why I would actually pick unavailable partners. Because I always knew they wouldn't work out. So it was a way for me to protect myself. So once I understood that, I remember I was just like, I wish I would have known this, you know, 10 years ago, and I had to figure out, how do I start rewiring my brain to change that belief that I've had since I was so young, and we both know that that's where the hard work really, really starts, and it's not easy. So I had to start implementing daily habits on a small baby step rewire my brain, and the first one was vulnerability, because this is something that I see with most people that are looking for love out there, is that I want to be in a relationship. I want love, but their hearts are guarded. There's a freaking brick wall around it, and I was that person. Wanted love, but I'm not. I'm not giving you my heart. So you can't attract necessarily a healthy, deep human connection if your heart is not willing to be open. So thank God I had my roommate at the time that told me, Chantal, you know, how, how, if you can't be vulnerable with your own friends, how do you expect to be in a relationship one day? And it was really an aha moment for me, because I was like, she's absolutely right. And I remember Robin. I was like, Okay, how am I going to do this? And I said, Okay, I'm going to start by calling one friend, my best friend, very close friend, to tell her what's going on, when something was going on, because I was a type A personality, doing everything for everybody else. You know, I always I left the house when I was young. Used to fending for myself like it was just me. 

Robin l Miss independence like you you're rocking it 

Chantal l Exactly. and so for me to actually voice when something was happening or wrong was just I'd go in my little corner and manage everything on my own. Hence, that doesn't really apply and work in a relationship, and for that matter, not just in romantic relationship. If we want to experience more in depth human connection, it has to go on the both sides, learning to receive as much as you're giving. So I remember calling her and saying, okay, listen, this is what I'm going to work on. This is what I need from you. I communicated my needs. I don't want you to judge me, criticize me, tell me what to do. I just need you to listen to me, because it's

Robin l That's awesome Chantal, even to say that, right there is so good, really. I mean, I don't think I don't do that. Like that. I love I love that, that, right there is a great skill,

Chantal l Yes, and that did not. 

Robin l This is what I need from you, and then you're gonna be vulnerable.

Chantal l Correct.Do you know how long it took me to make that call? Four months. This was with a close friend of mine, like, four months, and I still remember the day I made that first call. I was wedding, I was nervous, and I was like, okay, today's the day. And I'm like, this is the vulnerability day. And she was laughing, and I'm like, just let me go. And, you know, I just vented and explained what I was and then she asked me, What do you want from me? Like, what do you need me to do? Do you want me to give you advice at this point. And I was like, no, I'm good. I just needed to vent. And I remember hanging up the phone, and I was that felt really good. I just needed, that's often what we need. We just need to vent and talk through our stuff.

Robin l You needed a container of safety and somebody to hold that, releasing and having somebody receive that without you don't it's not about her doing anything about it, but also having a witness. I mean, all of that is like, wow, 

Chantal l So. I mean, that started, you know,happening more often. Then I moved from a second friend to a third friend, and then I started being able to apply it at work. When I was struggling at work and I couldn't do something, I would ask for help. So what that did, by the time this took me almost eight years, by the time I got into the kind of relationship that I am today, I was able to receive all the love that my man is, like old school provider. You know, it's always about me, me, me, me. I wouldn't have been able to receive it if I hadn't developed that muscle. And that's why I say to people, if we're showing up or not in ways, typically in a relationship, you need to learn to identify them, not for your next relationship. You need to practice that muscle that you need to rewire, change belief pattern, whatever that is, before you actually go back into it. Because these things don't change overnight. And I think a lot of people think that changes can happen overnight, easy to retract to old ways. You know, I still have days, and this is almost 15 years in the making, where it's easy for me to fall back and say something's happening, and I'm like, I'm just gonna go cry in my corner alone, but it's not me anymore. I've created a community, and I have a partner that's always there to support and listen and to share the heaviness of what's happening. So I just I catch myself quicker and bring myself back, but I could, it's easy to go back to old ways. So that's where self awareness is key. Because when you're able to observe yourself, you. At yourself, and then you, you created your language to No, no, no, Chantal back out there. This is not happening again. 

Robin l So one of the key things that you emphasize in your book is, and I just really had this so Kirsten and I, my best friend, Kirsten and I work on our podcast, the podcast together, and we read the books and we and then we talk like, as best friends and also co workers, and like, what about this chapter? What about that? She said, What about this? And we're like, and then we just, like, riff. And then we figure out, okay, what about like? 

Chantal l Love it

Robin l That's what I what did you get? And like, we really both, like, got a lot out of your book, Chantal. And one of the key lessons is around, you know, which I think is just so common, it's like, what do you want in a relationship? What do you want in this partnership? Okay, so people are coming to you and they're like, you're asking that question, what do you want and or what do you need? Okay, you're asking the difference between a want and a need. And so my lesson in this, and then I want to ask you how you work clients through this process, because I think it's so important. My aha around this was, like, we need to change the vocabulary and just our perspective around, like, even using those words wants and needs, and you, you already said it. Chantal around, you had to be. You had to be. You changed in the way that you were, like, I need to be in a place of receiving, because you're really good at, like, go, go, go, give, give, give. Like, energy, full on, like, you know? And that's like, that is very, it's very giving, right? And like, what about being in a more, like, feminine receiving. And I just think in as a culture and as a society, we need to get back to, or in a place of this circular like, it's a giving, receiving. That's what a relationship is. It's not what I want and what I need. Like, oh my god. Like, it's very, like you've said on your Instagram, like, and I, you know, it's, um, it's selfish and, like, self serving,

Chantal l Yeah, and that's why I call relationships a threesome. It's you, your partner in the relationship, and the relationship has an entity of its own. And being in a relationship is not about you, it's about us, and most people, especially today, in the world we live in, we're always about me, me. I want, I want, I need, I and this is one of the reasons that I talk about the wants and needs, not just from a partner's perspective. You have to think, what do I want and need in my relationship? This is where people, 

Robin l Yes

Chantal l Completely slack and don't think about because they're always thinking, 

Robin l They don't know. 

Chantal l No, they don't know. I want this guy to be five foot six foot two. I want her to be blonde and skinny. I want him to be funny. I want her to cook. I want them to be well traveled. It's like, how do you want to grow and evolve in your relationship? Because let me tell you a lot of these superficial things, and that's what I describe a little bit in the book. Is the difference between wants and needs is, it's very superficial. It's very self absorbed, where needs it's important to get clear, because they're deal breakers. It's like air, breath, water. You cannot live without it. And when you are out there hunting mate and going through the motions of dating, the more you are clear on what those things are, the like the key fundamentals, you will show up better when you're dating. You will weed out the weeds, because they're so clear on what really matters. And I think I gave an example on this in the book where, you know, I did my list from a partner's perspective. You said that, you know, what did I do different? This was another thing that I did different. I did my list, but not from the typical list. I really went and dove deeper into, how do I want to grow and evolve in my relationship, and what is going to keep me there in the long run? One of the things that I had on my list as a want was, and I actually thought it was a need, was someone that dances. Because I'm a massive dancer. I love to dance. I had this fantasy that we would go doing these dance things together, even enter competitions, meet my man. The poor guy doesn't even have, like, you know, rhythm,

Robin l Yeah, you asked him straight out, right? You asked him straight out. You're like, can you just he was like, like, my two left feet. Like, no, I don't think I'm not even right. Like, give me some give me some tequila, and I'm good. But like, like, I might be able to move right.

Chantal l It's like, oh, my God, what? Why? But then I realized, like he was, how something that was a fundamental for me, because I got the clear picture was I needed someone that was very acceptant of my freedom, because I'm a butterfly, and especially working in the industry that I was, I'm always entertaining and traveling, and also the demographic I work with were men. So I couldn't be with someone that was possessive, jealous, insecure. I needed someone that accepted me, and I needed someone that was, you know, respective of my freedom. And I mean, today, he'll still drive me anywhere I want to go at any given time to go hang out and dance with my girlfriends, or, as I said in the book, you know, if we're at a wedding and I say, you need to give me a dance. Give me four shots at tequila, and I'll give you one dance. 

Robin l Let's go. Yeah, yeah. He's like, Okay, babe, like, I got you, but just one. There's a limit. My partner has, like, strong boundaries like that too. It's just like, liisten, I got I'll do like, it's just really funny, but it's cute, right?

Chantal l It's cute, and I respect that they have boundaries like that, because yeah, or you're you're clear, and as I said, acceptance is such a biggie. I'm on a diverse here, but it's acceptance. For me, was great. And I you we need to reciprocate when we're asking for things as well, because relationships are two way street. It's not just about as I said me, it's about us and how we're always going to show up for the relationship, what we're going to say, what we're going to do, our attitudes, you know, it's like, is this going to service the relationship? Yes or no. And when you're able to create that inner chatter, I mean, listen, I still fall off the rails all the time because I don't get what I want, how I want, when I wanted it, because I didn't communicate my needs. And I catch myself I'm like, oh, so now I'm able to wheel myself back in because I've created that inner chatter and that awareness saying, oh, it's on me. It's actually not on my partner. So,

Robin l Right. And so you when you, when you're meeting with somebody for the first time, and they're saying, and you're asking them, all, right, what do you what do you want in a partner? And people are throwing these at you, okay, I want you give you give an example in your book around one of, okay, I've dog eared so many of these clients that you've worked with. But one of your clients, for instance, she wanted somebody that was highly educated, because she came from a family of highly educated people, and she was like, Okay, well, I've got a master's, and I've got this degree in that degree, and my all families got these degrees from these big universities, and that's important to my partner. So she was raised in like a family environment, a culture environment, and family that education is the utmost importance. And so she was looking for that and going like, that is an absolute need in my partner has to be educated in like, you know, post secondary to the nth degree, yes. And you're like, really, I like that. You're like, because what is, why is that so important? Like, you could have somebody that is uber successful, that has a high school degree, and they're like, rocking it, but also they're the most incredible partner, like I said, getting down to what really is going to is that really a need? Is that really going to fulfill you in a long term healthy partnership? Probably not. That need for somebody to be highly educated,

Chantal l Definitely not. And it's because it's the why behind the want. And that's where I drill down. Why do you want this? And let's get down to the root of it. Because sometimes we say we want things, but we don't really know why we say we want it. Okay, why do you want this? Right? It's like, why do you want to have a boyfriend? Well, because every you know, all my friends, my entourage, has a boyfriend, actually think that's for the right reason. It's not for the right reason. So I just, I always ask why three times, because you're getting to an extra layer. And it really gets to the root of why they want what they want. And it makes them realize, I guess, realize, like in this case, as I had told her, I'm, like, you know, this is something that you've been raised in, and you're, you're, you're conditioned to think, but what if, like, if you get the catch of the day that has everything but the guy does not have a PhD, or, like, will you really let that roll out because of something that you were told and you were raised with, and it's, it's something that will actually make probably make your parents happy, not necessarily what you want, or, you know, it's just the belief that you were told. And I was like, Oh, didn't think of it that way. So I just like to take people further down to the root of why they want what they want, and be able to explain it. And I think that's where most, most, most of would say everybody doesn't really take the time to do that. It's kind of like the question I ask at the beginning of the book of what's your relationship with love, and what do you want your relationship with love to be? Because when I this is how I started all my research and to write, to write the book, because I was like, I can't really figure it out on my own, and I spent the last 20 years studying this stuff and fascinated with this stuff, so I can't imagine what the average person out there is thinking about it. And it's important to understand the difference between the two, because and again, when you're doing your selection and you're out there dating, the clearer you are, the more you will weed out the weeds, and you will focus on what really matters and not get blindsided by the lust, the great sex. You know, I really, really like this guy and the image that I have of this person, because you'll be so clear on what really matters to you, and you'll slow down how you're dating. There's so many other things that you can actually develop because you're just, you're you're paying attention to the bigger picture, instead of what's happening right now. And when people are starting to date and they really like someone, they get trapped into the everything has to happen so quickly. Oh my God. I want this person. I just want to freaking nail down the coffin. You know, j

Robin l Yes

Chantal l Just want to rock up

Robin l Painting. You're painting this, you're you're painting this person with the brush of, um, it's just like, okay, this fits. This fits. And you're not actually, not really staying, like, completely open to getting to know somebody like that was a stranger, like, a week ago or a month ago or two months ago or six months, like, really, because you don't really know, and so 

Chantal l You really don't so something

Robin l That, like, just as we're talking Chantal, like, I like, I know, before I met my boyfriend, Hector, now, I was clear on what I what I wanted. You know, I was online dating. So, you know, I and I was a matchmaker, dating coach before I was in doing Real Love Ready. I don't know if you knew that. 

Chantal l No, I didn't. 

Robin l So I helped people write online profiles. And like, I so I've been doing this for a long time, and so I'm like, I'm taking my own advice on all that stuff. But really, I was intentional, very intentional, on what I wanted, this, hopefully, my very last partnership in this lifetime, to look like, right? And it was like, I wanted somebody with, it's so important to me that my partner have a growth mindset and somebody that wants to better themselves and like, it's about self awareness and looking inside and constantly, continually to be like, you know, like, I want to be better. I can be better. And I think we all can do that, but it takes awareness and a want, 

Chantal l A want, a willingness

Robin l But I think you like, if you're looking for something in a partner, like, then you better be that yourself, right? 

Chantal l Uhuh

Robin l I mean, that's what you're teaching, too. I think that that is so important. It's like, I want this and a partner. Well, are you that, like, I wanted joy. I wanted somebody that was so family oriented and, like, relationships are so important to him, because they are to me, like, and, yeah, having somebody that wants to have fun and just, yeah, just those things that I am already that I want that amplified with my partnership 

Chantal l 100% because you're a reflection, right? They always say, relationship are your mirrors. So it's, it's like, let's make sure that you're showing up the way you want your partner to show up. Because again, I keep saying the relationship is a threesome, even as you grow and evolve together, you're always going to have to reciprocate what you're asking. So I loved, you know, that was one of my things on my list, too, was having a partner that was open. They don't need to be at the same level of, for example, in self development that I am. Because I'm like, oh, I like, over consume, 

Robin l Yeah

Chantal l At least someone that was open to always hearing, you know, open to doing things differently and doing things their pace. Because that's the other thing. It's not because you're in one pace that you have to expect your partner. So having someone that opens 

Robin l The flexiability the openness, 

Chantal l Correct, correct 

Robin l That's even, that even gets that opens it up even more, right? You're not like, I think the less specific you can be about this particular like, pick up particular characteristics of a person, right? Like, it's like, get, like, you said, getting down to the why? Why? Why? Why? 

Chantal l Yes.

Robin l So, okay, before we move on, I just wanted to give an example of Amber right in the story page 25 you talk about how she was very clear, right? She wanted a world traveler, charming, driven. He wanted kids, financially successful. And so, you know, she. She did attract this guy. She married him. Turns out he was, like, a disaster. It was a bad relationship because he wasn't around. He was cheating on her. He was like, okay, you got what you wanted, which is all these superficial things, right? Okay, financially stable. He's, like, very charismatic. All these you think that that's what's important relationship. No, it's not right. So this is what you're you're helping people do is get down to what are the most important. And it's so much about reflection, so introspection. 

Chantal l Yes it sure is. And that's why, you know, I've come to understand this year through the journey of, like, really, just focusing on this, it's down to one thing, because the book, literally is, like, the best of everything I've learned over the last 20 years that I applied. So they're all like little Tim Bits I like to call, you know, they're just like, it's everything to help you develop your self awareness. That toolbox and the relationship, the key for us to have successful relationship, is the self awareness component, the more you understand why you are, the way you are, why you want, what you want, why you get emotional, why you get triggered. Why? Why? Why? Why? You can actually explain everything that's happening you will show up so differently in relationship because you're able to explain your why you're able to observe yourself and say, oh, I just, I just was about to lose my shit on my partner, because it triggered me. And I know why it triggered me. It's not because of what he said. It's just reminding me of how I'm just saying anything I got bullied with all the men that I used to go out with, and they would like basically verbally abuse me. So I'm afraid to voice my voice, for example. So it's not reiterate it enough. If there's one thing people do get to know who you are and build the toolbox before you go into relationship. Because people always wait till hell breaks loose. They fall down the hole to go get help, ask for help, and oftentimes it's too late, especially when you're already in relationship, if you're on your own, I, you know, look at the kind of communication, because I was not a great communicator all my life, Robin, this is something that I've developed with time, with my self awareness, the more you know why you are, the more you can also be very sure of what you're saying, because I know my why behind my want. You're not going to gaslight me. You're not going to be something that's going to convince me otherwise, because I'm very clear. I know, I know there's no doubt in my mind. So that gives you a lot of more self respect. It gives you a lot more self self worth, obviously, but a lot more of certainty and confidence, so much confidence. 

Robin l Right

Chantal l And like an example, a couple months ago, when we were in our European trip, I we were traveling, and we were on our way to lunch, so we it's a long drive, like in this sinuous road, and I had just, we were staying with a bunch of people in the house. I kind of had a falling out with one of the women there, and I was really distraught by what happened. So I was in my own little world, and my fiance's asking me, Are you mad at me? And I'm like, No, I'm not mad at you. I'm just in my own head. And 10 minutes later, he's asking me the same thing, and I was I turned to him and I said, I don't understand, like, what's going on? I told you that has nothing to do with you. I'm just trying to process something in my head. Why are you why is this, you know, such a struggle for you set because he came from a family of alcoholics, and his father, would you know when he would be in his worst state he never knew when he'd come back from school what to expect. Was he gonna scream? Was he going to beat him up? Was he so he goes? This tension is just reminding me of how it was when I would show up after school, at home and I never knew what to expect. I tell you the difference of the conversation that we had, versus Why did you?Why where we could have, like, started bickering at each other, for me, because he communicated what was going on, and he was so self aware, it was very easy to say, hey, thanks for sharing. Thank you for sharing. I'm going to change my mood now because I can actually, it's easy for me to change that. And I put some music on, I just started humming, and I was like, you know, thank you for sharing that with me. But that's those are things that I say, that the power of self awareness is you're just able to communicate better. You're able to set your boundaries and not be afraid to actually say, this is my yes. This is my no, because this is my why. So I would say, at 49 years old, I'm going to be 50 in January. I have been in that power now for a year, and it's a damn great place to be, and not a lot of people are there. But I would say when you step into that power, it's not just in my relationship, it's with everyone around me, how I show up for my clients, how I show up for my friends, my family, because of that self awareness piece, I'm able to talk through things. I'm able to catch myself, I'm able to calm myself down and self soothe. I'm able to recognize, if you know, I was an anxious attachment style so that still surfaces sometimes. I'm just able to real myself back.

Robin l These things, these things, these things don't go away. And that's one of the lessons that I've learned over these years. It's like our triggers, our pain, our hurts, like so much of it is scars, and scars don't go away, but it's like the awareness of that, and then you're acting differently because of that awareness, right? 

Chantal l 100%

Robin l Okay, so you've got ABC's of dating. This is I love this you have, if you remember, only one rule about dating, make it this date to be known, not to be liked. That was good Chantal. It really is, though, like because, I mean, and I, and I did change my, my the way I was dating, you know, I was just like, yes, I we all want to be liked. That's just like human nature. We want to be accepted. We like, you know, it's like this mental of course, that's just the way we are, right? We want to connect with people, but that can't be your driving force. It's like, especially when you're looking for a partner that you that you know, it's like, more important to be yourself in your fullness and everything that you are and um, and hopefully, like, let's see if is this guy person is going are they going to be a match? Are they going to be somebody that I really want to get to know more, like showing up differently, rather than, I hope they like me.

Chantal l Yeah. And I, you know, when people are out there dating, they go out into it with always wanting to check it off the box, versus going into it and having fun and being present to the moment. I mean, I was that girl. Every single time, it's like, Could he be the one? Is he the one? Is he the one? So then your mentally like, 

Robin l The pressure, the pressure

Chantal l Yeah, sure. And you haven't even met the guy yet, and you're like, oh my God. It's like, you know, 

Robin l But you checked him out on Google you've done, you've checked, you've got a little bit of research. And you're like, oh, wait, maybe 

Chantal l Yeah, so you create these scenarios in your head, you just do it's like we create these scenarios in our head, and we haven't even met the person yet. And I would say, you know, that was one thing that I changed, and how I show that's why I became more selective on how I would go on a date as well, is that I'm going to make sure I do something. And I have a great conversation that I had decided those are the two other things I did. I wanted to make sure if I was going to go out dating, I wanted to be with someone that could hold a good conversation. That's that was important to me. I love great, intentional conversation. And then three was being myself, because here's something that I didn't know, and I realized that 44 years old, 44 it was the first time ever I would show up being my true self in every area, shape or form, I was not gonna I didn't like something to please or yes or no. It was just like, This is who I am, and the end, that's that. And you know now that I look back, I've been in my relationship for six years, and every single time something comes up, or I have my quirk or my craziness, and I'm like, is he gonna freak out or never, never, he knows, and he accepts it. And it's the most beautiful thing. 

Robin l And he loves that about you, those things that make you you, yeah, and that's what you want to be with a partner that accepts all of you, I know, but, but you know that? I think this is something you know you do talk about this in the book, around the fact that you did have relationships, and I know I have where it's like, you, you, you were not accepted for all of who you were, and you were like, oh, you're either you're too loud or obnoxious or keep it down, or you're being too emotional, or you're not looking at it right, or you're so, you're being dismissed, you're being quieted in a way, like pushed down, right? 

Chantal l Yes

Robin l And then you're so, then you're not able to be yourself. 

Chantal l No 

Robin l Yeah. 

Chantal l So I always say to people, why we want to be with someone that you don't feel it can be yourself with. That's a lot of work to pretend to be someone that you're not and walking on eggshells again. It's not having an open heart, it's not feeling safe, it's not feeling protected. So that's not what true depth human connection is all about. True authentic feeling. Action is feeling safe. It's feeling at peace. It's when you're somebody's got your back and you're you're always be supported whenever, no matter how you show up, I guess they accept you. 

Robin l It makes me, it makes me think of thiis Chantal I don't know if you wrote this in the book, but it does make me think of this. It's like, if I can be with my partner the way I am with my best friends who know me and love me unconditionally, like just like I do them, that's gold, you know. And I do feel that way in my partnership, thank God, because, like, he can call me out just my friends do. I'm like, Oh, totally, I would totally, like, totally being fucking  crazy there, and that's good. I'm glad you saw that. And I could laugh at myself too.

Chantal l It's the beauty, right? Laughing at it. And I love when somebody can catch us and you have that reaction, because you don't take things personally. You just you recognize it. And it's like, we have this thing, because I'm a bit of a control freak. Again, the Type A personality doesn't give away 

Robin l I am too 

Chantal l You know. Same, same, same. And we have this, this name in French, that's called germaine. And when you separate the two, it's ge el ger el maine. And in English, it's like she leads and she she manages. So we decided to use that word as a safe word in our relationship. Whenever I start trying to manage and control and tell him what to do, he's always looking at me and saying germaine is coming out. And I just start laughing. And I know that for me that's like, like, leave him alone. 

Robin l He's calling it out, and then you're actually I like that. I've got to get a safe word going on. But you do, you do talk, you do talk about this in the book, about around harnessing your feminine energy, and how that really, because I think in this day and age, I mean, I, I'm surrounded by strong, intelligent, beautiful, wise, independent women, and, you know, and then how do you step into, like, be feminine, gentle, receiving, where I want to be taken care of in my relationship, I can rock the boss hat, you know, in work and like, mothering my kids, like, I'm like let's go, Ion top. Like, you know, managing your household if you're divorced. You know, there a lot. It doesn't matter if you're divorced or not, but like we do a lot as women, we're wearing many, many, many hats, 

Chantal l 100%

Robin l And it's feminine. There's a lot of it's masculine, like boss energy. And then in relationship, I think you want to be you want to be softer. I want to be taken care of in my relationship, just like I take care of my partner, 

Chantal l 100% 

Robin l And I that's a different energy. 

Chantal l Such a different energy, and it's something I learned the hard way, because i i I look back on any possibility of potential partners I dated, and because of my attitude, I see it now when I look back that I was like, oh my god, I never it would have never worked out. And again, this is why the work is important before you go into relationship, because I had work, for example, as I said at the beginning, on vulnerability, my man is an old school man provider, and he feels validated when he's able to know he's taking care of me, and it has nothing to do with financial means, but he needs to know that he's servicing a purpose. And I think a lot of men are like that, and especially with the world that we live in, with the, you know, the dynamics of masculine feminine being unbalanced, because we've evolved so much in this world. You know, now, women are, are playing the role of men in many ways. You still don't change the DNA of a man and the DNA of the woman that are like truly who we are. We're imprinted. Men are providers, protectors, procreators. You know, they women are, are nurturers. We community builders. It's, it's, it's water

Robin l Care takers

Chantal l Exactly. So we need to honor that in our relationship for it to be balanced and healthy. And that's something I learned do really well, and I have to say, it took a lot a new muscle to develop, but it's a really nice place to be like, especially this year because I started my own business, my he decided that he would, you know, wear the reins and like, support me. That was massive for me to have to fend for myself all my life and let someone do that for me, not because we had to, because he wanted to. And I remember

Robin l Yes

Chantal l When we moved in together, and I was like, okay, who's going to take care of this? Who's going to pay this, who's going to pay that? And he just looked at me, he's like, No, I got you. And I was like, wow, it's not going to happen. And I'm saying it because I know a lot of women will hear this, recognize themselves into it. And he took me by my shoulders with his big blue eyes, and said, Chantal, do not take away something from me that I can do and that I want to do. And that's when the bell rang for me. I said, this is it. This is what you've been working so hard for. This is what you wanted to receive. Here it is.

Robin l I just got shivers all the way down my spine.

Chantal l It's like, receive, receive. You've worked this is what you wanted. And I take it back to that

Robin l You can imagine what you give him. So it's just like we're thinking this financial. You're talking about a financial supporting, but you are supporting him in so many big, big ways that you can't put any money on or tangible like, so it's like, it's so reciprocal.

Chantal l It is so again, for women out there, about the feminine is like, open your heart, and that's it's really cultivating opening your heart. The more I realize, like, feminine energy, for me, is being in your heart space and letting it be open and letting it be vulnerable, and letting it receive and letting it be a little bit softer. But for that, I realize that you often need to feel safe. And I mean, we've 

Robin l That's number one

Chantal l Yes. So if you find and choose your partner wisely. Safety is a need. Is a need that is a fundamental for me, and I have to admit, that was not necessarily way I wrote it on my list because I had never experienced safety. This is something completely new for me. That's like, that's why my definition of love, if you would have asked me five years ago versus what it is today. It's completely different, and safety and peace is definitely the two main things. It's not lust and excitement and all these things that you know, because we've been so rom com and dissafied about love, we're in love with the idea of being in love. And that's not enough to sustain a real, true relationship that's going to go through the trials of tribulations of life and kids and money, and

Robin l Yeah I just my last relationship, it was not safe whereas and so that is absolutely the top of what I need is safety. I need to feel like that is just like, but nobody's talking about like, you said, like, but how important that is, holy, I wanted to pull up there's this. So there's a whole section in the book, like you said, it's right, okay, we could attract the partner, but then how about the important things to keep a relationship? You know, how like to. And also not just keep it's just like have a nurturing, healthy, supportive, loving relationship. And I really value what you wrote in here, Chantal, and how important these things are. And you think, oh, these are simple. But actually, I think there's a lot of many, many relationships that don't have these fundamental pillars. 

Chantal l 100%

Robin l Right? Like, hello, number one willingness. I'm going to go through them because we don't have enough time to go, but I want everybody to pick up this book because it's just so full of really, I mean, incredible skills and important, I just think really, really important information for all of us. Number One willingness, right? What does that look like? Willing, just in briefly, Chantal, what is willingness

Chantal l For me is that when you're whether you're in an argument, whether you're struggling, like, you know, sometimes, as we've been together in a long term relationship, where you're going this way, this this way, it's like, how do we bring it back? It's whenever you're having a conversation, an argument, something you don't agree on whatever it is. There's a willingness to actually find the solution. And there's a willing to grow together. There's a willing I get it, you want to work on it? Yes. So the willingness, the willingness to invest, the willingness to show up, the willingness to do everything. When I when I met Jeff, I told them, I don't want to experience a relationship like the average person out there. I do not want to do that. Are you willing to hold each other to high standards in our relationship going forward? Do you have that willingness? He was like, wow, yeah, because he went through a divorce and stuff, and I said, because it's a lot of work to hold on to a relationship, it's like investment, right? So do you have the willingness to do that? And I think for me, when it with the openness, where, when you have someone that has the willingness to invest, you never have to worry about what's going on, like I hear so many couples, or you know, that have been together for a long time, they've just grown apart because of the kids and the husband or the wife doesn't have the willingness to want to Change, go to therapy, go do anything to improve on their relationship. So you're screwed when somebody you're

Robin l You're at a stalemate, you're at a standstill, you're there's no moving forward if one person or both are not willing. It's so key, right? Respect, okay? You think, oh, yeah. Like, obviously, but, but there's a lot of disrespect in many, many relationships. 

Chantal l So much disrespect. 

Robin l So getting back to the basics, but this is, like the core fundamentals of how you treat another human being lovingly, right? With love. 

Chantal l Yes with love

Robin l Number three, acceptance. 

Chantal l It's about that

Robin l Okay, lack of acceptance is one of the reasons relationships fail, we try to change our partners instead, learn to accept your partner's behaviors and patterns from the beginning and don't try to change them. I mean, come on, there's a lot of that going on or wanting to

Chantal l I'll give you another example. Yeah, that's like, you know, when we get in relationship, I call it the 80/20 rule, where we have 80% of what we want or need, and then there's always a 20% that's like me. You got 80% what happens when we're going into relationship, we're like, I got 80. I got 80. As we grow and evolve together, we start shifting to the 20 and just, he's not doing this, she's not doing that, yeah. You forget the 80% that you're like, I remember I caught myself when we were doing that because we were doing date nights, and I exciting dates. I'm like, an extrovert. I like doing different things. His idea of a date is dinner out at a restaurant. So three months in, I'm like, seriously, really. Like, you can't you think of anything else? And I started having attitude when we were having dinner, and he was like, what's wrong? And I'm like, nothing, nothing. Of course, we always it's all good, good, good. Finally, he pulls it out of me at the end of the night. He's disappointed because he disappointed me. So it ends up being a shit date, and I caught myself coming home. I was like, you're asking him to be someone he's not. He's never been the guy since the beginning that you met him that organizes exciting dates like but he does this. He would pick me up at the airport when I used to travel all the time, any given time, night, day, middle of the night, I'll pick you up. I'll drive you anytime. So we forget what's there. So focus on that 80% remember the 20% is 20% always take yourself back to the 80% so that's acceptance. 

Robin l I really, I really like that thoughtfulness. This, to me, is somewhere something that I mean, it's so important. It's the little things, day in, day out, over and over and over, right? Just reminding your partner how special they are to you and being thoughtful, and hopefully that you know you'll get that back in return, right? 

Chantal l So simple and yeah, cultivates a lot of that safety and Good feeling around the heart.

Robin l And tenderness. I like that this was on your list of. One of the pillars. Yeah, I think that's, I think it's just beautiful. So, Chantal, I love your book. Just tell us how it's been like since you, since you launched it, and the feedback you're getting and how you're helping people like, what would have been some of the success stories I want to hear one or two before we go.

Chantal l I think the the most, um, that I these are very repetitive stories, is that the book is a guide. I didn't want to create a brick, because when we start reading books, sometimes we lose interest and we put it aside, and we get overwhelmed, especially today, we have such a short, short attention span. So that's why the no matter where you are in your journey to love, whether you're already in a relationship or you're looking for love, or you're struggling with who you are, you get Tim Bits, as I love to call them across the board. You can literally pick up the book, whether you're waiting at the dentist or, you know, at your girlfriend's house, and read, I'm sure you can testify to that two pages, and you can get something from it. So it's, it's, for me, it's almost like the four languages of love or the four agreements. They're little night table books that you can always go back to, because, as I said, we can learn, but we forget. So these are just really great reminders, and I would say that they're eye openers on helping people really figure out you set the word earlier. It's not self awareness, but self introspection and not feeling overwhelmed through the exercises, because they're just good questions for you to say, oh, I actually never thought about it. You know, the whole love thing, people, I'm like, oh, I actually not. I have never thought about what love is, and what do I want love to be? And what does that mean exactly right? So you need to figure that shit out if you really want to be in a nice, healthy relationship. What does that mean? What has it been for you, and do you have the right image of it, for it going forward? Because you will call in what you've seen, and if it hasn't been healthy, if you're not going to call in healthy so I would say that it's, it's it's an easy, light read that you don't get overwhelmed. That's what I've gotten most out of everybody. It's just, you get you don't feel overwhelmed, but you learn so much.

Robin l I agree. There was two quotes that I wrote down from the book that I thought were just really poignant and important. Your definition of a relationship? What is a relationship? A relationship is two people coming together to take care of one another's needs, wants and desires, to have a willingness to serve each other on the same scale. I thought that was just beautiful. And I think we can get too wrapped up in going, oh, well, my partner has to meet all my needs, wants and desires. That's not what you're saying. You're saying that when you are in an intimate relationship, you know you're wanting to do that for your partner. Yeah, like, I want to serve you know this person that I love very much and, and I know he's doing the same in return so, and the other thing that I thought you already mentioned this before, when you were you know, even with your communication with Jeff around you, both hold each other and the relationship to the highest standards. Like, I don't want just to hum hum him whole relationship either. Like, I want this to be the best it can be. Yeah, and we can do that. We have the capacity, like with work and intention. We can have a beautiful, like, high, high, the highest standard. Yes, I want that big love. Yeah, we can all have it, but it takes the all the things we've been talking about the last hour, right? 

Chantal l Exactly. I mean think about it Robin

Robin l It's that agreement, yeah, like, that agreement high standard here. We're not just gonna go back to our old patterns and treat each other like garbage and be disrespectful and passive aggressive and the stuff that right? I mean, I know I've done it like, I've been there, and I just like, I don't want to be that anymore. I want to be a really a partner, a safe place to land. And like, I want to be a really good partner.

Chantal l Yes. So it starts with you, right? And, yeah, when you hold each other to high standards, you're able to because you made that agreement. It's an agreement that you make together. It's not a compromise, it's an agreement. 

Robin l It's an agreement 

Chantal l So that you both agreed. So it's almost like a contract that you sign and we agree to this, and this is what we're going to hold each other to.

Robin l Oh, that is so good, 

Chantal l Yeah because most people are always thinking, you know, oh, we have to compromise the relationship would have, yeah, of course, you need to compromise, but agree on what the compromise is and then agree to it and hold each other to that agreement. It's an agreement. It's a contract that you have together. And, you know, think about it., anyone that would become, wanted to become great at anything that you do. You're successful in your business. You, you want to have the best shape of your life. You, we always go get the help. We hire the coach. We go see the therapist. We go see the doctor for our health. We go we you know, why are we doing this for relationships? To prepare yourselves. Why not? Like, I really want people to start thinking this, like I am single, I'm made. I might not even be looking for love, but you know what I'm going to learn this stuff. Because here's the thing, if you want this like I've experienced, the one thing that I did really right was to communicate it all from the beginning and like, say things from the beginning, and hold these new habits, these fundamentals, start putting it into place at the beginning, because that creates the foundation. So when you have those habits that are like, there from the beginning, it's not too late. It's not too late, later in life, where you're just like no, you set that great foundation so you're set for success. You'll have the willingness, you'll be open, you'll be tender, you'll be thoughtful. And not to say that we all fall off the rails sometimes, right. It happens and I catch myself and it's like, hey, honey, okay, it's been, like, two weeks. We haven't done our little connection time, oryou know, it's, it's just we have to, we have to 

Robin l You're holding your relationship to the highest standard. I think it's just awesome. Yeah, well, Chantal, I love you, and I'm so grateful that you came today. We had this we had this chat, and I love learning from you all week. It's just been a joy. So thank you. 

Chantal l Thank you so much fun.

Robin l So I'm gonna close with our with a blessing, and it's based on your your words and your in our learnings from Chantal this week. May we in our dating experiences and in life be open to trying something new, exploring, changing and thinking differently. May we refocus our perspective from what we want and need in life to a more service oriented approach to what we can give and receive in relationship to one another. May we know that we are not alone in life and love help is always available on our journey, and really, may we access resources like Raise Your Love Signal that can teach new skills to attract the right partner and create fun, joyful, healthy relationships with both yourself and with your partner. So thank you. Chantal landreville, for all of the work you're doing in this world.

Chantal l Thank you. Thank you for having your platform that's unbelievable. So grateful to you.