This week on Let’s Talk Love, Robin Ducharme sits down with Emmy award-winning director and author, Topaz Adizes, to explore the power of intimate conversations in fostering deeper relationships. Topaz, author of the book, 12 Questions for Love, shares his journey of examining the human emotional experience by interviewing thousands of people across the globe. They delve into Topaz's project, The { } And, which films two people answering each other thoughtful questions to capture genuine, heartfelt conversations and illuminate their relationships.
Topaz emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and emotional articulation, highlighting the impact of well-crafted questions. Robin recounts her personal experience with the 12 questions and the profound effect it had on her relationship.
The episode underscores the significance of constructing questions that are connective, empowering, and open-ended, fostering a safe and meaningful dialogue between those involved.
Takeaways:
12 Questions for Love: https://shop.theskindeep.com/products/12-questions-for-love-a-guide-to-intimate-conversations-and-deeper-relationships
The { } And Documentary: https://www.theand.us/
{The And} Card Games: https://shop.theskindeep.com/collections/the-skin-deep-best-sellers
We want to hear from you! Send us your anonymous questions for the Podcast as well as our weekly IG Live Ask The Experts Q&A. https://realloveready.com/submitaquestion
FOLLOW TOPAZ ADIZES: INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK | X | YOUTUBE
FOLLOW RLR: INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK | X
Watch the podcast on YouTube: youtube.com/realloveready
Credits: the Let’s Talk Love Podcast is hosted by Robin Ducharme, recorded and edited by Maia Anstey, and transcribed by Otter.ai.
This week on Let’s Talk Love, Robin Ducharme sits down with Emmy award-winning director and author, Topaz Adizes, to explore the power of intimate conversations in fostering deeper relationships. Topaz, author of the book, 12 Questions for Love, shares his journey of examining the human emotional experience by interviewing thousands of people across the globe. They delve into Topaz's project, The { } And, which films two people answering each other thoughtful questions to capture genuine, heartfelt conversations and illuminate their relationships.
Topaz emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and emotional articulation, highlighting the impact of well-crafted questions. Robin recounts her personal experience with the 12 questions and the profound effect it had on her relationship.
The episode underscores the significance of constructing questions that are connective, empowering, and open-ended, fostering a safe and meaningful dialogue between those involved.
Takeaways:
12 Questions for Love: https://shop.theskindeep.com/products/12-questions-for-love-a-guide-to-intimate-conversations-and-deeper-relationships
The { } And Documentary: https://www.theand.us/
{The And} Card Games: https://shop.theskindeep.com/collections/the-skin-deep-best-sellers
We want to hear from you! Send us your anonymous questions for the Podcast as well as our weekly IG Live Ask The Experts Q&A. https://realloveready.com/submitaquestion
FOLLOW TOPAZ ADIZES: INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK | X | YOUTUBE
FOLLOW RLR: INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK | X
Watch the podcast on YouTube: youtube.com/realloveready
Credits: the Let’s Talk Love Podcast is hosted by Robin Ducharme, recorded and edited by Maia Anstey, and transcribed by Otter.ai.
Robin Ducharme | Hello, and welcome to Let's Talk Love I'm excited to welcome Topaz Adizes. Topaz, thank you so much for being on. Let's Talk ove today with us.
Topaz Adizes | Thanks for having me on. Yeah, that's great.
Robin Ducharme | You're joining us from Uruguay. I think that she's beautiful. That's just awesome. You've got such a great story to share. I'm gonna just tell our audience about you. You're an Emmy Award winning director, whose work has been selected to the Cannes Sundance and festivals or awards, you've won awards. And you've recently published this book, which I loved. And I actually read it with my boyfriend. And we went through the exercises. It's called 12 Questions For Love, A Guide to Intimate Conversations and Deeper Relationships. So today, we're going to talk about your book. And also, why don't we just start off with your journey on how you ended up writing this book and starting your company called the Skin Deep, and really encouraging people to have beautiful, intimate conversations to share, I think it's I think what I see about it is like it's sharing your hearts with somebody and your deepest part of you, right, so that you can connect on that deep level.
Topaz Adizes | Yeah. So your question is how to how to get to the book?
Robin Ducharme | Yes, the book and the Skin Deep? Really, because you've got a great story. I you started with doing documentaries. And yeah.
Topaz Adizes | So after about 15-20 years of making films, both fiction and documentary, I was really interested in the question is, how's the experience of being human shifting, in lieu of all this digital technology? You know, I had a brother who's 1516 years younger than I were both of you in New York. I was 36-37. He was 21-22. And I saw how we were dating differently, how he was utilizing digital technology, totally messaging and Tinder in OK Cupid, and totally different way than I was, where I was uncomfortable, you know, just sending a text message. And I prefer to call someone, he was sending text messages, that was not a problem. And, and I just thought, wow, we're shifting, we're shifting very quickly. And humans are very good at adapting to change, where we adapt, and then we kind of get comfortable with and we seem assume it was always like that. I mean, I cannot imagine working without email now, that centuries we've been working without. But you know, we so quickly adjust to the cell phones and the emails and the rate of change and social media, that we are not realizing that things are changing. And even though we use the same words like love, I don't think they necessarily mean the same thing, or the emotional experience of love, I think is a little different. Whereas maybe in the past, you know, our grandparents used to write their words of emotion and love into onto paper and lick the envelope and put in the mailbox and wait for three weeks or a month or two, three months for response. Now we are sending a direct message and waiting, you know, a minute or two minutes for a response is love is anticipation, that is experience emotional experience of life is shifting. And that was really interesting to me. And so 11 years ago, I launched the Skin Deep, which was an an experienced design studio to explore the emotional experience of being human as it's shifting with all this technology. How's it shifting our ways of engaging of our ways of connecting of relating, connecting and and the LEED project for that the flagpole was called The And is called The And and it's basically bringing two people into a room who are in relationship whether they're a family siblings, lovers, ex lovers, best friends, have them face each other and give them questions. And we film it with three quite three cameras. And we always show the audience both faces at the same time. We're both showing through one speaking and the one listening. And I think that's really unique because it illuminates the space between illuminates the connection. And that's what The And alludes to The And alludes to the space between because the relationship is you and I us and them is The And that connects us. So that's what this product is. And after doing it for 10 years over 1200 conversations we distilled our learning down into the book 12 questions for love. It's basically a guide to intimate conversations and deeper relationships.
Robin Ducharme | So how just going back to The And, because I've watched the I watched the clips so many of them on YouTube. There it's excellent just to see how these conversations unfold and and seeing both people and other reactions to the questions. So how first of all how are you choosing the people like how do you find them? Like for instance, I watched the one about the the couple who had been broken up for quite a few years for they're exes.
Topaz | There's a few of those Yeah.
Robin | Oh I'm sorry. But I'm just wondering like how do you get how do you collect The people that are going to be sitting in this design studio experiential design studio add to these conversations?
Topaz | I mean, at this point, we, you know, at this point, we have a community that has been following us and watching us for long for such a long time that whenever we do a production, people apply, you know, they submit a questionnaire, and then we select from there. And what's beautiful, really is that, or sometimes we go searching out for certain stories, you know, we're gonna do a story coming up with healthcare practitioners and those who are, who have HIV. So the patients of HIV was with the, with their healthcare providers, to just have conversations. So we always also look for some kind of thematic conversations, because ultimately, we're building a library of conversations of the human experience, the turn of the century, it's a library of relationships, so that we both have a tool for the present. So that you say, hey, wow, look at this conversation look like that conversation. I'm not the only one who experiences that, or isn't that interesting, that I can see this other experience that I'll never have, I'll never be incarcerated per se. But I can relate to them, because there's, you know, it's a father son relationship, it's a mother daughter relationship, about incarceration. So it's a tool for the present to create empathy and understanding of one another's experience. But it's also a tool for the future. So tool for the future. So that, I mean, just imagine right now, if we can go the depression 1930's And see, my mother and father discussing the challenges of putting food on the table in 1930's depression in the US. We're going to have a conversation, you know, in 40-50 years that people can look back and see what it was like, in the year, the great pandemic, when everyone's quarantined, and you have lovers who are scheduled to be married, but you know, they're they're living apart because they're on other sides of the country, and they're talking on Zoom, we have those conversations, we have this archive of the human experience at this day and age. So it's, it's an archive for the future. And when we started, we basically took whoever would come, because with this format, you know, every relationship is its unique language. It's its own planet, it's its own world. And sometimes it just moves, it just, I'm just amazed at how we have this incredible format, that we're basically picking up grains of sand, every stone, as many stories as there are grains of sand on the beach. I mean, I can take any one basically put them together integrate us. And that's really fundamental here for the listener. What we've learned from doing this is that what it takes to create a cathartic conversation to deepen your relationship is the space, create the space, and well constructed questions. And so if you do that, there's, there's there's a conversation that's worthwhile sharing and learning from. And so for us, when we started to anyone that showed up, we kind of went into different communities and invited them. And now we still do the same thing. But now we get overwhelming people applying and literally flying in, you know, we did a production in Austin. And people fly from New York, and driving from Houston all the time. I mean, we shot in LA and people flew from Miami, I mean, we have this incredible community now that really want to participate and share their story. And or share their relationship and have this experience. So that's, that's how we, that's how we get people.
Robin | I love how you said that. It is about getting to space and asking the right questions.
Topaz | What is not the right word? It's well constructed questions.
A well constructed question, not the right yes, I'm already wrong, sorry about that.
Topaz | Yeah, that's ok
Robin | But the when I when I'm watching the clips, when I'm watching this, it's like you can see, you could see yourself and in the people in there, because we are so much alike, right? And when there is that well constructed question, even if somebody has been together and with their partner for a decade, it's like you can there's always discovery as the other, that's what I was, that was thei insight after watching The And, it's um, you can there's always something you can learn about the person. And I think that we, if we're in a relationship with somebody for a long time, even, let's say even our children, our partners, our moms or dads, it's like there's always something to know and be curious about and to uncover. You don't know that person inside and out. You just have you definitely don't. So
Topaz | I couldn't agree more. And I find it interesting. I find it ironic that the people that are closest to us are the ones we quickly put into a box. Because the one we're closest to or most intimate with, it's often those that we spend the most time with. And we are all striving for safety. And so in safety you don't want much change. So you say well, this is how they are this is how they are that's how they are. But we should not confound safety and comfort. Safety and comfort can be two different things. You can be safe and actually be uncomfortable. Right?
Robin | Yes
Topaz | So it's interesting that the people that are closest to us, we kind of create a safe space. And we sometimes shy away or often shy away from the uncomfortable conversations, because we want to be in the safe space. But if we make the distinction between safety and comfort, and say, okay, I can be safe, and I can be uncomfortable, then we can start asking interesting questions that illuminate our connection with the ones who are closest to us, who see us at our most vulnerable, because ultimately, at the end of the day, in my opinion, we all want to be seen and being seen, takes some vulnerability, to be seen and to see.
Robin | Yes, so your your your said, what you just said, is that you think, ultimately, we don't want to be seen.
Topaz | No, we do want to be seen
Robin | Yes, we do want to be seen
Topaz | Ultimately, we want to be seen,
Robin | Yes, we do
Topaz | I'm sorry, if that came up, no, ultimately, we want to be seen, and it takes vulnerability to be seen, and to see. If you sit there and really sit in the space. I mean, everyone talks about the vulnerability about being seen. There's also the vulnerability of seeing. Right,
Robin | Yes
Topaz | If I'm gonna sit there and see you and listen to you, you're gonna be vulnerable in sharing yourself and opening yourself up to me. But there's also vulnerability for me and seeing you because maybe some of the things you're saying, can hurt me, or at first thought hurt me, right? Sometimes you're listening to your partner or your parent, and they're saying something that this in your actions or this makes me feel this way, and then you get defensive or so emotion comes up for you. There's also a vulnerability in seeing. There's a bullet and when I say seeing, I can say less, you know, a tool of seeing is listening, really listening to somebody. And really, you know, the flipside is being seen as articulating your emotions and sharing yourself and verbalizing, articulating and what I call emotion articulation. It's articulating your emotions clearly.
Robin | Yeah.
Topaz | And so
Robin | You say there's something different. There's different there's a difference between we used to say emotional intelligence. And now you're saying emotional articulation.
Topaz | Articulation. It's a different thing, a different thing.
Robin | Yes. You you share a story in your book about, is it your brother in law, and you were sitting around the table as a family? And the questions. So the question that you had posed was for your niece. And it was, what can you tell us the story, please?
Topaz | Yeah, we were playing
Robin | It illuminates the art and the emotional articulation piece very well
Topaz | We were playing The And card game. So we have 12 editions different for all kinds of relationships, family, friends, or couples. And so we're playing the family deck. And she pulled out the question, what was it was something about? What is something you see in me that I don't see for myself? Something like that? What is the what is the, what's my, what is my suit hidden superpower that I don't realize I have some question like that. So we all went around the table, her sister or brother, her mom, my wife, me. And then it got to her father, my brother in law. And you could tell that he wasn't really accustomed to articulating his emotions. But he obviously felt so much love for his daughter, his 18 year old daughter just graduated high school born going to college, so proud of her she's incredibly young woman, but he didn't really have the words to say. And he, you'd like to see him kind of well up. And he said a few words, but you could feel the motion. And I realized this is a practice of emotional articulation. Not all of us have it and not as good at it. But we can practice it.
Robin | We can learn
Topaz | It's a skill, a skill, we can learn, we can also watch. I mean, ultimately, here, you're hearing me Topaz, talking about this book, A Guide to Intimate Conversations, Deeper Relationships. Where do we learn that? We don't learn that in school? We don't we learn it by modeling, modeling our family, and maybe our friend group. And
Robin | If we can, if our parents, our parents, or our caregivers didn't not model that for us, then we didn't, we definitely did not learn those skills.
Topaz | But yeah, but today, like I've been fortunate to spend the last 11 years witnessing all these conversations, and learning the skill set I'm offering here in the book, here's a guide, How to do it, because of our dataset of over 1200 conversations that we've held the space for, right and ultimately comes down again, the space and well constructed questions.
Robin | So tell us about the because there's a method to this book method to the madness. I love. No, no, it's so it's beautiful Topaz. It's beautiful. So first, why are there 12 questions? You couldn't you could have had there could have been 20 There could have been right? I just wondered why 12 Let's go through that. And then we're gonna go through how to do this because I did do it yesterday.
Topaz | Yeah how was it? How was it?
Robin | I loved it so much
Topaz | Well did surprise you because last week, we did the Instagram Live last week and said, you're going to do it in like in an hour or two for lunch. And
Robin | We had we had did we have lunch first? I can't. It's so funny. I just can't remember. Yes, I think we had lunch for And then, and then yes, we did. And then we were cleaning up and I said, So do you want to play? Or do you want to do want to do the quick talk questions? And he said, well, I guess I guess we're doing them because you, you asked me. Yes, I guess I have to say yes. I'm like, well, that's not. I said, I really want you to agree to this. And like, want to do it like a game. And he's like, just kidding. Like, of course, I'll do it. And so we sat on the couch. And I said, okay, so here's the rules, we have to ask the 12 questions in sequence.
Topaz | Qui Qui
Robin | And, and so, and we do one at a time each ask the questions to each other. We took turns, yeah. So I asked him number one, and then we did, he did number one. So back and forth. And there, there were a few questions that were like past, like we pass together, because we're like, That one doesn't apply to us. Because we've been, we've been seeing it over three months. It's not like a long relationship. But you know, we've had a lot of amazing times, and a lot of amazing conversations. This was different. Because it was so it was very setup, like we had the space like you were talking about.
Topaz | Yeah.
Robin | And they were different questions than just tell me about one of the things I was I'm curious about his upbringing. So I want to know, over time, like, how were you raised? And tell me about your childhood and these things, right? This isn't about that. This is about questions that are shared between you in your relationship.
Topaz | Yeah
Robin | That's unique. I think so at the end, we were both I think very what is what's the word when you're not expecting something, but just so happy with it, Happily, unexpectedly,
Topaz | Pleasantly surprised.
Robin | Pleasantly surprised. And it was just like, such a memory that I'm going to hold like, so dear to my heart. That time we had during, during during our 12 questions.
Topaz | Wow.
Robin | And I said, and I said to him, I think it would be great. And I said, Topaz recommends that we do this again in the future. And you can do this as many times as you want to your relationship. And of course, I want to do it without people in my life. Because I just think they are very well constructed questions, and it gets you don't know what the answers, the answers are gonna be. You're just like, waiting for the answer. You're like, what is he going to say? Or what she could write? Yeah, I really loved it.
Topaz | What um yeah. Well, thanks for sharing that. Thanks for sharing that what you felt? Did you feel a closer to your part to your person at the end?
Robin | Yes. Yeah. You're sharing you're sharing? Like, one of the questions is, what are three of your most favorite memories of us? And I'm thinking, what's he going to answer? Right? And he, we had this we had a similar answer on like one of our segments, one, one of our first dates, and how we both realized through our conversation, that we were really on the same page with our values, and we wanted in a relationship. And so we kind of shared that. And then the other two, we both had kind of a different answer. Because I mean, we're both experiencing the same relationship, but differently, because that's the beauty of relationship. So first of all, I want to ask about the 12 questions, why 12? And why do we ask ask them in sequence? Deliberately?
Topaz | Yeah but ultimately, it just was gonna say that there's a payoff to all this. And the payoff is that you have pleasantly surprised with the connection you have with this person in your life, that gives you a greater sense of what it means to be human, a greater sense of living, because this other person you're intimate with, you feel a stronger connection to them. And we talk a lot oh well, especially with AI coming up, as you know, the question I asked is like, where's the space for humanity? And one thing that's clear to me in my opinion, is that humanity is not in us, it's what's between between us. Humanity is not within us, it's actually between us. It's between us. It's when we engage draw connection. That's where humanity is illuminated. And that's what I really love. And that's the sense I get when I watch a video, the end or a sit in the room production. And I see this people, these two souls, connecting in a different way. And reverberating in their connection and illuminating their connection and feeling. Okay, we are sharing a space and there's a shared experience here. That's when I feel that humanity is illuminated, and it feels wonderful. And that to me is the payoff. And it gives makes your sense of living are much more amplified and colorful and greater. But not to mention your your relationship becomes more resilient. Why 12 questions? Because there's a structure and it's a five act structure. The first three questions are exploring the past, and what brought you together and bring you to the present. What is unique about your synergy that creates certain experiences? What is the acknowledgement of what first drew you together and how has that changed until now? Now, what are you doing? What makes when you feel closest to me and why? Brings the what are the small things that happened between us that make us feel connected and intimate? The next three questions are dealing with conflict. Right. What are you hesitant to ask me? Or what he hasn't to tell me? Why do you think I'm having to tell you right? Now I'm just give you three questions for basically, the number of question for and the reason is, at the end of the book, I have other questions that you can place for each point of the 12 questions. So it's prescriptive, here's 12 questions, they will work. But you can always swap them out with other questions that fit the same beat the same architectural act, moment in the act, the five act structure. So in the second act, we're doing conflict, what are you hesitant to ask me? And why? Right, what are we not really talking about? It's there. Then we go, the next one, what's the biggest challenge we have right now? And what do you think it's teaching us? Right, what is the present? And then the next one is? What is the sacrifice you've made that I haven't acknowledged? And why do you think that is? Right. So those are kind of small conflicts that are coming up that we're not dealing with to what's the big conflict that we have now to what is a conflict that one of us dealt with by maybe sacrificing something, or biting the bullet or adapting in some way that is not acknowledged. So these are three big questions, three big in the second act to deal with conflict. Then we go to the now and by the way, just, we can double click on all the questions because the questions are constructed in a way that creates safety. And that, then invite the heart, do you have a conversation, not the mind, because the hearts built to connect. The mind is built to protect. We can double click on the way the question is constructed that way. Then we go to the middle, which is the climax, seventh and eighth, seventh, and eighth is seven is what's the pain in me you wish you could heal and why? Number eight is, What's one experience you wish we never had and why? So for me, those are quite deep questions that in our experience, you know, always bring out a big pause and a lot of emotion, and connection. And you've built up to that you built on an architecture of safety and trust. With the first three questions you've explored discomfort and the conflict, in the second three questions. And now, in the third act, the climax, we're dealing with some deep pain, but we build the architecture so that we feel safe in the discomfort of exploring that deep vulnerability, then we do nine and 10, which is starting to land the plane by gratitude into this space, right. Like, what is it that you're learning for me? Because at the end of the day, this person who's sitting across you is sitting in the space with you is sitting in the questions is sitting in discomfort, let's acknowledge what we learn from each other. Let's acknowledge what we're sharing, and how they're supporting each other's growth. So then, and then we also talk about the future, what is the future? What is fueling us for the future? What's one experience you wish, will share? Right, in the future? So and then the last two questions, act five, is really acknowledging what's core. Well, number 11, is, you know, if this were to be our last conversation, or something you never want me to forget, and whyBecause we never know when it comes to the end. And we should not assume you will have that opportunity. And then number 12, to me is a fundamental to any relationship. So why do you love me? And so that really, you know, the fourth and fifth acts really land the plane in gratitude, acknowledgement and saying what's really profound and important, but they're built, it's all built on it is a journey. It's a five act structure, it's just, and therefore you're brought on a journey of conversation, which makes it deep, illuminating different, but also creates, you're doing in a safe space, but you're uncomfortable, which is wonderful.
Robin | All of those things were true in our experience, I can speak for myself. We I think we both we had some good laughs like they were both kind of teary during times. And it was illuminating. And it was it was a very like, like I said, it's like going to be one of my, one of one of the questions was, what are what's, what are your favorite three memories of ours? And at the end, we were both agreeing that, all right. We four for memories now. Or let's replace one of the three with this one, because this experience is one of our favorite memories to date.
Topaz | Wow. That's amazing. That's amazing. But that's the intention. I mean, the intention is, how do we create the space to have a cathartic moment that really illuminates our connection, so that we feel more vital like and when I look at you now we've had that shared experience, we can now do this again. And we can deepen it, we can explore it. I mean, just like, yeah, I'll stop there. Because I could keep going.
Robin | So tell tell us, how are you how, let's just say we don't have the book, or we don't have your cards, how do people construct better questions?
Topaz | So we find five things in the scope of a relationship in the context of life. share five things that you can do to improve a question. So let's talk about the connected one connected one, eight, because you mentioned about this experience is these questions are not talking about something that actually really illuminated the relationship. So that means to me is the connective and the connective is it acknowledges the two people who are in conversation or whoever is in the conversation. So if I were to say, Robin, what does love mean to you? And your boyfriend asked you the same thing. And your kids asked you the same thing, most likely going to answer the same thing. What does love mean, to you? Well, it means this and that. Okay? The question does not acknowledge who's asking who's in the conversation. But if I change the question to say, make it connective, I say, Robin, how do you think we see love the same and different? How do you think we see love the same and different? If I asked you that, and your boyfriend asked you that, and your daughter asked you that your children ask you that you will answer that differently, because you're taking consideration the people in the conversation.
Robin | Yes
Topaz | And a lot of times a lot of questions do not take into consideration the people who are having the conversation. And so what happens is that becomes a monologue. You tell me about love what it means to you great, and I'm listening, what, and there's a place for that. But what I'm offering here is this is a conversation to explore your relationship. And so if you just tweak the question, to create it, so that acknowledges the relationship, then both parties are more invested. Right. I mean, I'm asking now, it's, you know, you're projecting our opinion of my opinion of love. And we were both participating in the answer, if you will, or if you know, your answers, unique to our connection and to our relationship and to this conversation versus the generic question, that does not acknowledge the one asking the question, who's in the conversation? That's one.
Robin | Yes,
Topaz | I mean, another, a big one, I think a one a real value is shape it so that it is empowering. Because this is profound. Bottom line, if, if you listened this far, and you're wondering if you want to continue listening, it's like, the question shapes the answer. And we so often are so much time spent on the answers, we don't realize that they're already shaped by the question we're asking. If you get dumped, and you say why they dumped me, you're asking your mind, why they dumped me and your mind, like an obedient dog is going to chase the stick that you threw. And now I'm throwing the stick, why did they dump me and my mind dog is gonna chase down the stick, and come back with a list of reasons why they dummed me. And that list is not necessarily gonna be that list is not gonna give me agency, it's not gonna give me empowerment might not give me many lessons. But if I shift the question to what have I learned from this relationship, that I will carry into the next one? If I asked that question, then my mind will go fetch an answer that brings back something that's more empowering, that gives me more agency. We have the power over the questions we asked ourselves, we don't spend enough time in that space. And if we do, we can shape we can change the questions, so that we shape answers that come back to us that are more empowering and constructive. So if you're in relationship, or you're at work, or anyone with a family, romantic, rather, we go, why do we fight so much? Okay, great, you're gonna get a whole list of reasons why we fight so much. You could ask instead, you could say, what do you think our conflicts teach us? Okay, so now I have to create an answer for what are our conflicts that teach us? So really, take a moment to pause and focus on the question, you're asking yourself or have your relationship? And see if that question is really putting you in a position to reap answers that are beneficial to you?
Robin | Yes
Topaz | And if they're not, then change the question. Make it more beneficial. Really.
Robin | I really. Those are those are, those are great tools.
Topaz | I mean, another one, which is, I think, really helpful in terms of, you know, what I'm offering here is, how do you create the space to bring the heart engage, to hearts to meet not two minds? One space is you can, here's a little trick you can really do with what the question is, like, if I asked you know, what question like what is, you know, what is our favorite thing to do together? That's not a great example, but what's the work. What's our favorite thing to do together? I'm putting that question puts you in the arbiter of the objective truth. You're going to say, sailing. I'm going to get ice cream and I say, no, no, no, it's when we you know, watch TV and the Superbowl, whatever. But if I just put do you feel or do you think that question, now it's your subjective opinion. And now there's less of a conflict with that. That's your truth. That's your opinion. So what do you think is our favorite thing to do together? What do you feel is your favorite thing? And I can hear that. And now, I take it in. And I say all is interesting because I feel the right. But just by adding do you think do you feel you're creating the truth as a subjective truth versus objective truth? And when we make objective truth, it's an invitation for our minds enter, because we're arguing over what's true. Right. And then we create, it's more of an offering a space of conflict, because we're fighting over the objective truth versus offering you that's your Subjective Truth. Do you think do you feel just adding those two words to the question, press space? Like, okay, I hear you, thank you.
Robin | Do you think do you feel I love I like that. And the other the other thing you talk about in the book is, you're not you don't want to be asking questions that create that the answer is yes or no. Or a one word answer.
Topaz | Yeah. So the binary I mean, any question any question, if you want to have a conversation, where you want to talk, and explore your relationship, and, you know, figure things out and discuss. If you start a question with is are do, should, or would, I don't care what comes after her, if you begin any question with those words is, is this the right thing for us to do? Are we in love? Do you love me? Should we should we buy the house? Would you divorce me if this? Anything that starts with those words, is an invitation for a yes, no, either. It's a yes, no answer. It's a binary response. And where do you go from that? Now, sometimes there's a place where you need an absolute binary response. So great, start with those words. But if you're there to speak and explore and emotions and your relationship and see the nuance, because there's a paradox in relationships, not everything is black and white, it's where are we at? What did we then begin with? Why? How? In what ways? Right. So you begin with these others, why, how what, you can't answer that with a yes, no. Why do you love me? And what ways do you love me? What are the things we could do to improve our relationship? I mean, you can't say yes or no to those questions. It's an invitation to explore. So just the first words that begin the question, who's going to tell you if you're going to have a conversation over? It's gonna be a yes, no answer. Right. So that's, that's really helpful.
Robin | Yeah. So I would like to hear how it how the experience that your family had, after doing the roundtable, with the card game?
Topaz | Well, it's really interesting to see how some people really enjoy it, some people don't, because they feel uncomfortable, being vulnerable, or, particularly their emotions. And it's also interesting to see the ones who are really hesitant to do it at first, and then once they sit in it, and they see how it operates. And they get the payoff of feeling the emotional connection with someone else has been articulated, they begin to love it, and they want to play it more. And I think ultimately, what I really appreciate, and that's really important here, because we're offering the hearts to connect the hearts come out, is that you have to give permission to pass. You don't have to answer every question. If I create a space where say, Robin, you have to answer every one of these questions. You're, you're in a corner, it's aggressive, and you're now your mind comes out. It's like protecting okay. But that's always great. When you said like you and your partner, your boyfriend you passed. Great. That's what you're allowed to. I mean, you don't have to answer the questions. And matter of fact, was imperative is not the answer. The question was imperative is sitting in the questions, is sitting in the questions, right? Because even if you ask the question, and you don't articulate it, I promise you, the people in the room, the two people speaking the group, everyone in their head is having a conversation about it. Everyone is projecting what they think they would say what they think the other person would say, you know, and then pass, but you're sitting in that space of asking the questions. And I think that's what's really helpful is that I know a lot of your audience, you know, a therapist or professionals and also, or, like I myself have been therapy, couples therapy. But I think what's useful here as a tool, in creating the space with your partner, is that you are both regardless of what said, you're both practicing, holding space for each other in as you explore discomfort, or as you explore your relationship. It doesn't have to be all uncomfortable, but you're exploring your practice versus when you go to therapy. You someone is kind of the referee, someone is the guide someone in the space. They set the rules, ask the questions, right. Here, the offering here, so different kinds of practices were with each other so that we can sit in that space and ask the question, we don't to answer it, we don't have to get to resolution. But we could sit in that and create the space where we can articulate what we're feeling at this moment. And that's, that's a valuable practice, in my opinion.
Robin | I agree. Yeah, I hope I hope that everyone picks up a copy of your book, Topaz 12 Questions for Love. I really, I think it's like one of these, it is going to be this book that I'm going to pull out and be like, let's play and get the cards because you've got many different decks, right? You've got cards for friends, for family, for strangers, for intimate, like for partnerships.
Topaz | Yeah
Robin | And so even just having like your friends, or for like a dinner party, it's like, let's play the game.
Topaz | Yeah.
Robin | I think that's just great.
Topaz | And that's, that's part of the creating the space, right? Because the space is important. Articulate, and how do you create the space, you just need to articulate the intention. And the intention is where you begin, versus having an agenda, which is where you end, just need articulate the intention, Hey, I like what, you know, you guys are washing the dishes after the lunch and you said, I have a book that's asked his questions that creates a space, because now he knows you the space to create the space, particularly the intention creates a space so that you both have permission to give and receive. If he just showed up, and you just said, Why do you love me? Which is the 12 question. He will be like, Wait, where's this coming from? Where's he's not thinking about why he loves you. He's thinking, where's this coming from? You haven't created the space. If you're tricky, late, hey, the intention is, there's this book, it's got 12 questions, or there's these card games, or just take a moment to just ask each other wacky questions. You just can't articulate intention, who creates the space so that we're not thinking about the answers around it? We're thinking about the actual questions. Right? We're not wondering why they're asking me this question. You know why they're asking this question, because there's the book or the card game. And that gives permission for you to get for each of the people to give and receive. I mean, similarly, if he came home, and just started talking about effusively his love for you, you'd be wondering, where is this coming from? So you're not really receiving? But if you asked him the question, the 12 questions about why he loved me, He then began to refuse his love and articulate it. You know why he's telling you this, and then you can receive it. So that's really what it's about creating the space.
Robin | I'm excited. I'm excited to do it with more people in my life. And just and I'll share the stories with you over email. Or I'll just send you I'll send you a text or whatever.
Topaz | Yeah, great wonderful.
Robin | Well, I thank you so much for joining us today on that stock blog, Topaz, I'm going to close with a blessing. And it's based on your words from your book, so we can all take something from them. May we search our past and present and recognize the gifts life has bestowed upon us that we can share with others, by doing so the world can become a much more loving place. May we not fear the pain or discomfort or have difficult conversations, embrace it, embrace it, especially with those you love? Because love is a practice. And may we consciously build intimate, vibrant and meaningful connections with the people we share our lives with, doing this, doing it fully bravely, vulnerably is what makes life worth living. It's true. Thank you so much Topaz.
Topaz | Thank you so much, Robin. Thank you